The Hidden Cost of People Pleasing (And How to Break Free)
People pleasing is a behaviour many of us have unknowingly mastered. It’s the tendency to prioritise others’ needs, desires, and opinions over our own, often at the expense of our mental health and personal well-being. While being kind and accommodating can foster positive relationships, chronic people pleasing can become a harmful pattern that leaves us feeling depleted and disconnected from our true selves.
Why Do We People Please?
At its core, people pleasing is often rooted in fear—fear of rejection, conflict, or not being enough. Research suggests that people who frequently people please may have a heightened sensitivity to rejection or criticism, often stemming from childhood experiences or societal pressures. This fear drives a need to gain approval and validation, sometimes at all costs.
In my own life, I spent years navigating the exhausting cycle of trying to meet everyone else’s expectations. I found myself saying “yes” when I wanted to say “no,” volunteering for tasks I didn’t have time for, and bending over backwards to make others happy. Beneath it all was an underlying belief that I wasn’t enough as I was. I feared rejection and conflict so much that I sacrificed my own needs and desires to maintain a sense of harmony—even if it wasn’t real.
The Impact on Mental Health
People pleasing isn’t just emotionally draining; it can take a serious toll on mental health. Constantly putting others first can lead to feelings of resentment, burnout, and low self-esteem. Studies have shown that people who exhibit high levels of agreeableness or people-pleasing tendencies may experience higher levels of anxiety and depression.
For me, the turning point came when I realised how out of alignment I felt with my own values and needs. I noticed how much time I spent worrying about what others thought of me and how little time I spent considering what I truly wanted. This self-awareness was both unsettling and liberating. Through therapy and intentional self-reflection, I began to understand the root of my people-pleasing tendencies and how they were no longer serving me.
"People-pleasing isn’t kindness—it’s self-abandonment."
Living Authentically: Steps Toward Change
Breaking free from people pleasing doesn’t happen overnight, but it is possible with self-awareness and intentional action. Here are some steps that helped me:
Identify your patterns: Pay attention to when and why you say “yes” or put others’ needs above your own. Are you acting out of fear or obligation?
Set boundaries: Learn to say “no” when something doesn’t align with your values or capacity. Boundaries protect your time, energy, and mental health.
Challenge limiting beliefs: Replace thoughts like “I’ll be rejected if I say no” with affirmations such as “My needs matter too.”
Practice self-compassion: Be kind to yourself when you slip into old habits. Change takes time.
Seek support: Therapy or coaching can provide a safe space to explore your patterns and develop healthier ways of relating to others.
As I’ve stepped away from people pleasing, I’ve discovered a more authentic and fulfilling way of living. By prioritising my needs and staying true to my values, I’m not only kinder to myself but also more present and genuine in my relationships. Letting go of people pleasing isn’t about being selfish; it’s about showing up as your truest self and honoring the life you deserve to live.
